This week's panel suggested by Howard Ian Schiller with similar ideas from
James Riley and
Taper Wickel, with dialogue by
A Carling We Will Go...
(or: "Hannukarl, Hannukarl, come light the Menorarl..." Happy Eighth Night!)
Some new developments in Carl Land. Jason Fliegel's
suggestion of last week has turned out to be a hit with many of
you, and (with the obvious exception of Neil Gaiman's
death-flip from last section) is the only suggestion I can
remember actually garnering fan-mail from other contestants in
the body of their own suggestions. Very interesting! I've also
noticed a ramping-up of the running-joke patterns and a growing
fan club for Winter (age 3) and her memorable "Prish"
post. Finally, a reader we know only as "allen" has made
it clear -- much to my terror and delight -- that you really
can paste anything you want in that little box. What a week!
As always, suggestions are listed in the order they were received.
Thanks for playing and please join us again next Sunday!
- She should say something to the effect of " I'm the Sobriety Fairy"
- Show Carl and mom in a hut with weird masks and
trinkets hanging on the walls, have mom dressed up in a long black
robe and saying: "CARL! You know better than to talk to your
tribal Mother like that-!"
- Carl's Mom rips off face with a flourish, revealing a
hideous bearded man. "Take a guess!' Carl: (terrified) "Pirate
Joe! We meet again!"
Randomness strikes. I have no idea what this could possibly have
to do with bungee cords, but mine is not to wonder why. I like
the idea of Carl having an old, unknown nemesis, anyway.
- carl's mom bursts into tears
- carl's mom rips her face off to reveal that she's carl
(with a goatee ala an evil twin)
- carl's mom slaps carl
- She should say back to Carl, "I'm your mother."
J.J. Reinhart (who will, of course, be coming back
every week, for ever!)
- Carl saying "I'll strangle you,bitch!" with a rope(?)
wrapped around his hands ready to strangle the poor lady.
- Carl's Mom?... "I'm a brain-eating Zombie!"
- "I'm gonna get a drink!"
- "Oh, my God! Who am I?!!"
[Thomas was one of several brainstormers this week who offered kind words and extensive feedback on "My Obsession with Chess" following his suggestion. Thank you to all who visited my latest experiment and offered your thoughts. Believe me, it means a LOT! --Scott]
Many thanks to Jason for the last panel,
It's one of my favourites so far, made me laugh loads...
- panel same as before, but the woman is handing Carl
a large coil of rope.
She says: "I'm the mother-look-alike dominatrix you
ordered to indulge your Oedipal fantasies you twisted
man. Here, tie yourself up..."
This suggestion was inspired by the fact that some
people felt the woman was Carl's wife, and others that
she was his mother
Note: rope=link to bungee moment..?
- Carl narrates the scene to the reader: "That's when
I decided to rebel". Close up on carl's face showing
an almost evil desire of subversion. You could
also add: "I was 26."
R David Francis
- Zoom out: The two are in some sort of department
Woman(a): "I'M THE STORE MANAGER."
(b): "WANNA BUY A BUNGEE CORD?"
- The woman looks confused.
WOMAN: "I DON'T KNOW, WHO ARE YOU?"
- The woman rips her face off revealing her real identity.
"WOMAN": "I'M AGENT J. SLICKNESS: MASTER OF DISQUISE!"
- The woman rips her face off revealing Scott McCloud.
Scott: "I AM YOUR GOD! AND YOUR GOD COMMANDS YOU TO JUMP OFF A
BRIDGE AS A TEST OF THY FAITH!!"
Howard Ian Schiller
- Mom (or girlfriend, depending on what you read...)
changes into a hideous monster with fangs and claws. Looming over
him she says "I'm your worst nightmare!...
- Woman (hands him dossier and backpack): "I'm your
commander, agent Carl!"
Avery J. Cohen
- The woman's body language shows hurt, but her
expression is angry.
"You ran over my son on your last binge!"
- Or, if you are more in a more fanciful mood,
"You _killed_ me on your last binge, Carl!"
She menaces Carl with her pointy fangs and her hands turning into
- "Why, I'm your mother, Carl... and your girlfriend!"
Sorry, that's an in-joke for the participants, after having read
through last week's list of entries. (FYI, I'm one of those
newbies who found this site after hearing about the new on-line
comic, which I enjoyed very much.)
[Go for it. --Scott]
- Carl's mum peels off her face to reveal:
-- A many-tentacled monstrosity!
Monstrosity: Your doom, earthling!
-- Another Carl!
Carl 2: Your evil twin!
Jonathan L. Miller
Avery J. Cohen
- You are the one who's driving me into drinking!
Way to go, Jason! A funny twist that can have numerous
neat followups. Here's a few:
- We thought it was Carl's mom -- but she tears a mask off her face
to reveal a bald head!
Saying, "I'm Lex Luthor, the greatest criminal mastermind of our
time!" (Or it could
be "Rex Rutha" to avoid trademark problems.)
- ...she tears a mask off, revealing a horrible alien face! She
says, "So you've discovered
our invasion plot, eh, Earthling? Well, it'll do you no good!"
(Maybe she decks Carl or zaps
him with a ray gun as she says this.)
- ...she tears a mask off, revealing a strangely familiar stylized
cartoon face. She says,
"I'm Scott McCloud!" (ok, maybe not.)
- Carl's mom bursts into tears. Two doctors with clipboards look on
through one-way glass.
One of them is saying, "You see? A rare case -- no long-term
memory at all!"
- She says, "I'm your mother, dear. Now why don't you go hang
- We pull back to show Carl and his "mom" on a TV production set.
The director yells, "Cut, cut!
Cripes, Benny, how many times have I told you -- NO ad libs!"
- "I am outta this dump!"
Carl yells and slams the door.
George Broderick, Jr.
- Close-up on the woman. The woman says "I am Atropos,
one of the three Fates, and I have seen the cord that is your
M. Robert Turnage
- Profile shot of the two people facing each other. The
lady replies, "You don't know how much that hurts, Carl." Carl
- "i told you never to ask me that. now i have no
choice..." she reaches up and begins to remove her face.
- He has a boa loa roa hoa, then he needs to get a prish
of soda. Then he says "a pree a pree, a ree a ree".
- Close up on Carl's face-shadowy with spooky lighting
from above- "Who are any of us...really?"
- Carl has the woman in a headlock- He has removed a mask or wig
from her head (and she turns out to be a man in disguise). "My
real mother is a WOMAN!"
- Pull back to see woman is a Gypsy/Fortune teller. With a crystal
ball or Tarot cards "Beware young one...Your death awaits..."
- "Why, I'm your fairy godmother," as she sprouts
wings. (Thus turning the winged person into a motif.)
- Pull back to reveal Carl and "Mom" as actors on a
set. Director: "Carl if you can't remember the line,
just say 'Line!'"
- Scene: Outside an insane asylum. Caption:
"Meanwhile..." Word balloon: "Oh no, 'Marge the
Ripper' has escaped again!
- "Mom": "A Pree! A Pree! A Ree! A Ree!"
- "I'm a spokesperson for MADD. Please don't kill
yourself by drinking irresponsibly," the woman says. Carl is
- She says, "You don't remember?" or "Don't take that
tone with me!" or "Unless you're looking for a fight, don't yell
- She rips off her "face" (really a mask) to reveal...
She's really Carl himself? Or another Carl? Or Scott McCloud? Or a
giant pink elephant?
- "Mom" Says-"I'm Your Fairy God Mother"
- Mom, now wearing a cowboy hat, says: I'm the
international cattle roping champion!
- I think Carl's mom should have a tight cord wrapped
around her hands menacingly while she says " I'm your worst
nightmare!" As if threatening to strangle Carl.
- woman: "I'm your Guardian Angel, Carl!"
- woman: "I sell camping supplies. I want your trip to
- woman: "I'm your Adventure Club representative. I want
your bungee jump to be as safe as possible"
- Mother says "Karl, I've got this SPECIAL bungee cord"
- Mother tells Carl he was adopted
- Mother says "I'm the one who stole you from the hospital when you
- Woman: Don't you remember your own... wife,
girlfriend, bungee jumping instructor, etc.
- While clutching her heart and dying:
Woman: You don't remember your own mother?
- Woman tears off mask to reveal herself as Carl's twin.
- Carl: Where am I? What's going on?
- Carl: I'm going to do something fun for once.
Well, let me see . . .
The earliest known manuscript version of the tale is from the 12th
century, but the time period in which the story takes place seems
to be around the beginning of the Christian era. This text and the
Index to Proper Names are from N. Kershaw Chadwick, An Early Irish
- THE STORY OF MAC DATHó'S PIG
was a famous king of Leinster. Mac Dathó was his name. He
had a hound; the
hound defended the whole of Leinster. The
hound's name was Ailbe, and Ireland
was full of its fame.
Messengers came from Ailill and Medb asking for the
Moreover, at the same time there came also messengers from
Nessa to ask for the same hound. They were all
made welcome and brought to
him in the hall. That is one of the six
halls that were in Ireland at that
time, the others being the hall of Da !
Derga in the territory of Cualu,
and the hall of Forgall Manach, and
the hall of Mac Dareo in Brefne, and
the hall of Da Choca in the
west of Meath, and the hall of Blai the
landowner in Ulster. There
were seven doors in that hall, and seven
passages through it, and
seven hearths in it, and seven cauldrons, and an
ox and a salted pig
in each cauldron. Every man who came along the passage
thrust the flesh-fork into a cauldron, and whatever he brought out
first catch was his portion. If he did not obtain anything at the
first attempt he did
not have another.
Now the messengers were brought to him in his place that he
their requests before the feast. They delivered their
message: "We have
come from Ailill and from Medb to beg the
hound," said the messengers of
Connaught; "and there shall be
given three score hundred milch cows at
once, and a chariot and
two horses, the best in Connaught, and their
equivalent gifts at
the end of a year in addition to this."
also have come from Conchobar to ask for it," said the
Ulster; "and Conchobar's value as a friend is
no less-and to give you
treasure and cattle; and the same amount
shall be given you at the end
of a year, and close friendship will
be the result."
Thereupon our Mac Dathó lapsed into total silence and in this way
he was a
whole day(?) without drink, without food, without sleep,
tossing from side
to side. Then his wife said to him: "You are
making a long fast. There is
food beside you but you don't eat it.
What ails you?"
He gave the woman no answer,
so the woman said:
"Sleeplessness fell upon Mac Dathó at his home. There was
which he was brooding without speaking to
"He turns away from me and turns
to the wall, the warrior of the
Fían (?) of fierce valour; it causes
concern to his prudent wife that
her husband is sleepless."
The Man: "Crimthann Nia
Nair said: 'Do not tell your secret to
women.' The secret of a woman is not
well kept. A treasure is not
entrusted to a slave."
The Woman: "Even to a woman you should
speak if nothing should
be lost thereby. A thing which your own mind cannot
mind of another will penetrate."
The Man: "The hound of Mesroeda Mac
Dathó, evil was the day
when they sent for it. Many tall and fair-haired
men will fall on
account of it. The strife about it will be more than we
can reckon. "
Unless it is given to Conchobar it will certainly be a
churl's act. His
hosts will not leave behind them anything more of cattle
be refused to Ailill(?), he will hew down a heap of corpses(?)
country. Mac Matach will carry us off, he will crush us
into bare ashes."
Woman: "I have advice for you about it. I am not bad at
affair. Give it to them both. It is all the same whoever
perishes for it."
"The counsel you offer is helpful to me. Ailbe.... It is not
known by whom
it was brought."
After that he arose and made a flourish. "Let us then," said he,
guests who have come to us be well entertained." They
remain with him
three days and three nights, and the messengers
of Connaught were
summoned to him in private: " Now I have
been in great perplexity and
doubt," said he, "until it became clear
to me that I should give the
hound to Ailill and Medb; and let
them come for the hound formally, and
they shall have drink and
food, and shall take the hound and welcome."
The messengers of
onnaught were pleased with the intimation.
He then went to the messengers
from Ulster: "I have ceased to
have any hesitation," said he, "in giving
the hound to Conchobar,
and let him and the host of Ulster nobles come
for it proudly.
They shall receive presents and they will be welcome."
messengers from Ulster were pleased.
Now the people from East and West made their tryst for the same
Moreover they did not neglect it. On the same day the two
Ireland made their journey until they reached the door
of Mac Dathó's
hall. He went out himself and welcomed them: "O
heroes, we did not expect
you. However you are welcome. Come
into the enclosure." Then they all went
into the hall, and half the
house was occupied by the Connaughtmen, and
the other half by
the Ulstermen. Now the house was not a small one. There
rs in it, and fifty places between each pair of doors. They
however the faces of friends at a feast which were in that
party was at feud with the other. There had been
warfare between them for
three hundred years before the birth of
Christ. Now Mac Dathó's pig was
slaughtered for them. For seven
years sixty milch cows supplied its food.
On poison however it had
been nourished and the massacre of the men of
Erin took place
Now the pig was brought to them, and forty oxen as a relish,
other food as well. Mac Dathó himself was acting as steward.
you," said he; "the equal to this cannot be found.
Bullocks and pigs are
not lacking in Leinster. Whatever is lacking
now will be slaughtered for
you tomorrow." "The pig is good," said
Conchobar. "It is indeed good,"
said Ailill. "How shall the pig be
divided, Conchobar?" "How," said
Bricriu mac Carbaid...from
above, "in the place wherein are the brave
heroes of the!
Ireland, except by dividing according to brave deeds and trophies?
each of you has hit another over the nose before now." "Let it
said Ailill. "Very proper," said Conchobar. " We have
heroes present who
have raided the borderland."
"You will have need of your young men tonight, O Conchobar,"
Senlaech Arad from Conalad Luachra in the West. "You have
often left a fat
bullock of your number lying dead on his back on
the Luachra Dedad roads."
"It was a fatter bullock that you left
behind with us, namely your own
brother, Cruachniu mac Rúadluim
from Cruachan Conalad." "He was no
better," said Lugaid mac
Cúrói, "than the great Loth the son of Fergus mac
Léti, who was left
dead by Echbél mac Dedad in Tara Luachra." "What do you
this," said Celtchair mac Uthechair, "my having killed
Dedad and cut off his head?!"
However it so fell out among them in the end that a single
Cet mac Matach, got supremacy over the men of Ireland.
flaunted his valour on high above the valour of the
host, and took a knife
in his hand and sat down beside the pig. "Let
someone be found now among
the men of Ireland," said he, "to
endure battle with me, or leave the pig
to me to divide!"
Silence fell upon the men of Ulster. "You see that, Loegaire!"
Conchobar. "It is intolerable," said Loegaire, "for Cet to divide
pig before our faces." "Stop a bit, Loegaire, that I may speak to
said Cet. "You have a custom among you in Ulster," said
Cet, " that every
youth among you on receiving arms makes us his
objective. Now you came
into the borderland, and we encountered
there. You left behind the wheel
and the chariot and the horses.
You yourself made off with a spear
through you. You will not get
the pig in that way." Thereupon the other sat
"It is intolerable," said a tall fair hero who had risen from
"that Cet should divide the pig before our faces." "Whom have
here?" asked Cet. "He is a better hero than you are," said
"he is Oengus mac Láma Gábuid of Ulster." "Why is your father
Gábuid?" asked Cet. "Well why?" "I know," said Cet.
"I once went eastward.
The alarm was raised around me. Everyone
came on and Lam came too. He
threw a cast of his great spear at
me. I sent the same spear back to him,
and it st!
ruck off his hand, so
that it lay on the ground. What could bring his son
to give me
combat?" Oengus sat down.
"Keep up the contest further," said Cet, "or else let me divide
pig." "It is intolerable that you should take precedence in
the pig," said a tall fair hero of Ulster. "Whom have we here?"
Cet. "That is Eogan mac Durthacht," said everyone. [He is
Fernmag.] "I have seen him before," said Cet. "Where have
you seen me?"
asked Eogan. "At the door of your house, when I
deprived you of a drove of
cattle. The alarm was raised around me
in the country-side. You came at
that cry. You cast a spear at me so
that it stuck out of my shield. I cast the spear back at
you so that it
pierced your head and put out your eye. It is patent to the
Ireland that you are one-eyed. It was I who struck out the other
from your head." Thereupon the other sat down.
"Prepare now, men of Ulster, for further contest," said Cet.
will not divide it yet," said Munremor mac Gergind. "Is not that
Munremor?" asked Cet. "I am the man who last cleaned my spears
Munremor," said Cet. "It is not yet a whole day(?) since I took
heads of heroes from you out of your land, and among them
the head of your
eldest son." Thereupon the other sat down.
"Further contest!" said Cet.
"That you shall have," said Mend mac
Sálcholcán. "Who is this?" asked Cet.
"Mend," said everyo!
"What next!" said Cet, "sons of rustics with nick-names to contest
me! --for it was from me your father got that name. It was I
off his heel with my sword, so that he took away only
one foot when he
left me. What could encourage the son of the
one-footed man to fight with
me?" Thereupon the other sat down.
"Further contest!" said Cet. "That you shall have," said a grey,
very terrible hero of Ulster. "Who is this?" asked Cet. "That is
mac Uthechair," said everyone. "Stop a bit, Celtchair!"
said Cet, "unless
we are to come to blows at once. I came, Celtchair,
to the door of your
house. The alarm was raised around me.
Everyone came up. You came too. You
went into the doorway in
front of me. You cast a spear at me. I cast
another spear at you so
that it pierced your thigh and the upper part of
the fork of your
legs. You have had a ... disease ever since. Since then
nor daughter has been begotten by you. What could encourage
fight with me?" Thereupon the other sat down.
"Further contest!" said Cet. "That you shall have," said
Mend Macha, the son of Conchobar. "Who is this?" asked Cet.
said the others. "He has the makings of a king to judge
appearance." "No thanks to you," said the boy. "Well,"
said Cet, "it was
to us you came in the first place, boy, for your first
trial of arms.
There was an encounter between us in that
borderland. You left a third of
your people behind; and it is thus
you went, with a spear through your
throat, so that you have not an
articulate word in your head; for the spear has injured the
of your throat, and that is why you have been nick-named Cúscraid
Stammerer ever since." And in this manner he flouted the whole
Now while he was making flourishes about the pig with a knife in
his hand they saw
Conall Cernach entering. He bounded into the centre of the house.
The men of Ulster
gave a great welcome to Conall. Then Conchobar whipped the hood
from his head and
made a flourish. "I am glad that my portion is in readiness,"
said Conall. " Who is
he who is making the division for you?" "It has been
granted to the man who is
dividing it," said Conchobar, "namely Cet mac
Matach." "Is it right, Cet," asked
Conall, "that you should divide the pig?" Then
"Welcome, Conall! Heart of stone,
Fierce glowing mass of fire,
brightness of ice,
Red strength of wrath! Under the breast of the hero
Who deals wounds, and is
victorious in battle
I see the son of Findchoem before me."
Whereupon Conall replied:
Cet mac Matach! great (?) hero,
Heart of ice.... Strong
chariot-hero of battle, battling sea,
Beautiful fierce bull, Cet mac Magach!
"It will be clear in our
encounter," said Conall,
"and it will be clear in our separation. !
There will be a fine saga in
Fer m-brot (?)
There will be ill tidings in Fer manath (?)
The heroes will see a lion (?) fierce in
will be a rough onset
in this house to-night."
"Get up from the pig now," said Conall. "But what should bring
it?" asked Cet. "It is quite proper," said Conall, "that you
challenge me! I accept your challenge to single combat, Cet," said
"I swear what my tribe swears, that since I took a pear in my
hand I have
not often slept without the head of a Connaughtman
under my head, and
without having wounded a man every single day
and every single night." "It
is true," said Cet. "You are a better hero
than I am. If Anlúan were in the
e would offer you yet
another contest. It is a pity for us that he is not
in the house." "He is
though," said Conall, taking the head of Anlúan from
his belt, and
throwing it at Cet's breast with such force that a gush of
over his lips. Cet then left the pig, and Conall sat down
"Let them come to the contest now!" said Conall. There was not
among the men of Connaught a hero to keep it up. They
made however a wall
of shields in a circle around him, for the bad
practice had begun among
those bad men there of evil casting.
Conall then went to divide the pig,
and takes the tail-end in his
mouth and so attained to a division of the
pig. He devoured the
hind-quarters -- a load for nine men -- until he had
left nothing of
Moreover he did not give to the men of Connaught anything
the two fore-quarters of the pig. Now the men of Connaught
portion was small. They sprang up, and the men of
Ulster sprang up, and
then they came to close quarters. Then it
came to blows over the ears
there until the heap on the floor of the
house was as high as the wall of
the house, and there were streams
of blood running through the doors. Then
the hosts broke through
the doors so that a great uproar arose, until the
blood on the ground
of the liss would have turned a millshaft, everyone
fellow. Then Fergus seized by the roots a great oak which was
in the midst of the liss and wielded it against them.
Thereupon they break
forth out of the liss. A combat takes place at
the entrance of the liss.
Then Mac Dathó went forth leading the hound, and the hound was
loose among them to find out which of them its instinct would
hound chose the men of Ulster and he set it to
slaughtering the men of
Connaught-- for the men of Connaught
had been routed. They say it is in
the plains of Ailbe that the hound
seized the pole of the chariot in which
Ailill and Medb were. There
Ferloga, the charioteer of Ailill and Medb,
ran it down, striking its
body aside, while its head remained on the pole
of the chariot. They
say moreover that Mag Ailbe is so named from this
Ailbe was the hound's name.
Their flight turned southwards, over Bellaghmoon, past Reerin,
Midbine in Mastiu, past Drum Criach which to-day is called
Rathangan into Feighcullen to the Ford of Mac Lugna,
past the hill of the
two plains over Cairpre's Bridge. At the Ford of
the Dog's Head in Farbill
the dog's head fell from the chariot.
Coming westwards over the heath of
Meath, Ferloga, Ailill's
charioteer, lay down in the heather and sprang
into the chariot
behind the back of Conchobar, and in this way seized his
behind. "Buy your freedom, Conchobar," said he. "Make your own
said Conchobar. "It will not be much," replied Ferloga,
"namely, you to
take me with you to Emain Macha, and the women
of Ulster and their young
daughters to sing a panegyric to me every
evening saying: 'Ferloga is my
darling.'" There was no help for it,
for they did not dare do otherwise
for fear of Conchobar; and that
day a year hence Ferloga was sent across
Athlone westwards, and a
pair of Conchobar's horses with him, with golden
. . . and that is who I am.
[Well, I considered it. --Scott]
- Carl's mum rips off a mask to reveal that he/she is
really Carl #2 recently seen falling from the sky.
Carl: Dear God!
- I am the keeper of the portrait in the attic.
It will turn you into your alter self an evil self-
destructive being if your true love should happen to
gaze upon it.
Douglass Barre (age 28)
- Woman starts singing a very off-key rendition of
"Sympathy for the Devil"?
Sky (age 5)
Winter (age 3)
- I pick Carl steps on the Carl.
I pick Pooh, a Lee, a Lee, a Pooh too.
And I pick Kooh, a Bee, a Lee, a Cancel Adios.
- Carl rips off "Mom"'s face, revealing a Slimy Alien.